My beautiful friend Kirsty guest contributes this week and shares on motherhood, God’s grace, and forgiveness… Raw and unfiltered
Kirsty talks on motherhood. Yay! Kirsty and I met years ago in London before she had her beautiful babies. She was a newlywed and I was in the process of planning my wedding. I instantly fell in love with her dramatic flare and creative genius. She is an amazing woman that truly loves Jesus with all of her being. I will never forget how she and her husband Bryan communicated with walkie talkies while he was upstairs and she was downstairs having an all girls Bible study. They truly are hilarious. They are such lovely, genuine, and kind people. So thank you Kirsty for writing this!! Love you!
Hello! My name is Kirsty, I am a wife and stay-at-home mom to two littles (one and three years old).
A week ago Jamie asked if I would write a post about what I am most grateful for (it could be anything she said) and there was unequivocally one thing that came to mind immediately.
I could easily say my husband or my children (for which I am eternally grateful) but there was no doubt that those things could never be what I am MOST grateful for.
Before you think that I am all about motherhood and babies, let me tell you that I found myself staying at home because in London it’s extremely financially difficult to go back to work once you have two children (a salary often barely covers childcare costs and thats a 40 hour a week job in the city). The reason that I’m telling you this is because I was a mom who would’ve chosen to go back to work if that had been an option. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would suck at being home with my children all day every day. I get freaked out if more than one person is talking to me at the same time; I jump out of my skin at loud noises; crying babies and toddlers make my heart race a million miles an hour and my palms sweat; I’m far too sensitive to weather the storms of tiny people and their emotions; I’m creative and emotional and all the things that come with that; and I need (not want) NEED time outs. I am an outgoing introvert. I can only re-charge alone with my own thoughts and without anyone near by and I need to to this often or I just run on adrenalin until I crash. This is just how I am and it is a recipe for a stay-at-home-mom disaster.
I knew all of this, but I also knew my heart wanted (God-willing) more than one child. So, living in London, as soon as my second child was born I was a stay-at-home mom by default.
My second born is now twenty-one months old and these last twenty-one months have been the hardest days I have ever had to navigate and I have had to navigate some tough stuff in the thirty years that preceded children.
There is no family within 500 miles of us and my husband works 40 hour weeks in the city. I suffer from fatigue when I’m run down due to a chronic illness years ago. I also suffer from a short temper. Yes, what mom doesn’t? I have suffered from PTSD due to a traumatic event when I was seventeen where a friend died in a car accident and there are still residuals of that.
I knew that if I was at home with my children all the time these things would come rushing back. I knew I was the worst candidate for a stay-at-home mom and I knew that my children were quite possibly better off if they weren’t with me for the majority of the time. Trust me, those are hard truths to admit they break my heart just to write them down.
When Jamie asked me to write this post I became panicked that she would link back to my blog that has been neglected for more than a year but that’s real, that’s my truth. I’ve been just about clinging on for the last twenty-one months but what an incredible twenty-one months it has been.
You see, the thing about being home with your children all day every day is that you have to deal with YOU. Every moment when they are so tiny and needy and teary and vulnerable is packed with tension and emotion and you’re exhausted from sleepless nights and adrenaline filled days and your reactions are raw and real and the real you is ugly and sinful. So so ugly and sinful. I have spent so much of these twenty-one months hating the raw, ugly, sinful me. Constantly terrified that I am breaking the beautiful little children God gave me.
And that’s where I’ll bring this full circle. Because through these painful hard twenty-one months there has been love and joy and happiness and cool, crazy, beautiful moments. There has been a painful and intense process of breaking me down to mould me into the woman that I was made to be. There has been a true understanding of God’s grace that, even as the person I was twenty-one months ago, I am perfect. I am forgiven. I am loved. My journey is known to He who created me before I even take one step. I am the perfect mother for these two children, there is no one on earth who could be a better fit.
I have forgiven myself.
So without a doubt the one thing that I am most grateful for is God’s grace.
I’m deep in the middle of my journey but I’m clinging to the cross and I’m so grateful that no matter what Jesus is clinging to me even tighter.
If you want to find me figuring out this journey I’m over at coolcrazybeautiful.com or on Instagram @coolcrazybeautiful (because all the pretty pictures) or Cool Crazy Beautiful on Facebook.
I’m being brave and putting my neglected blog out there because everyone needs a gap year, life experience and all.
I end this with a very grateful heart and lots of love for my dear friend navigating a new country with her kids in tow, Jamie. You’re an inspiration and always on my heart. I am grateful for you for making me sit down to face my neglected blog and the things I’ve been scared to share.
Most of all lots of love for all of you reading this, if you are struggling (with anything) forgive yourself, because you are forgiven.